i should’ve known when the ny post posted instructions on how to twerk in its pages that the end times were near. not the end of the world, but the end of black culture in america. listen, i’m all for cultural awareness and celebration. i’m not even convinced that cultural appropriation is even an actual thing, let alone an offense. however, i am a firm believer in not giving away all of your secrets. welp, in the name of the great american melting pot, nymag posted a misguided article about the popular black phrase “basic b*tch” yesterday.
let’s sigh collectively.
black people, i need you to do me a huge favor. cross your heart and swear on your great-grandmom’s grave that you will keep this promise. please, if you do nothing else for me, shut.up. i’m not usually this harsh, but i can’t sit and watch our culture become tarnished, especially when it’s partly (mostly? all-ly?) our fault. yes, our fault. if you haven’t noticed from my gentrification series, i’m all about self-accountability. checking thineself is the key to life. i do it a zillion times a day. try it out!
i discussed my icky feelings about forced integration and begging for inclusion before in my snl post. in it i said that it is pretty demoralizing, but it also leaves the door wiiiiiide open for mainstream media’s hands to fondle our excellence. I understand wanting to be a part of the american fabric (especially since we built this place), but let’s ration our culture out for chrissake! america is a lowbrow wasteland and our culture is too precious to be left in its hands unsupervised.
on the topic of “snl”, i’m still mad at you guys about that. you cyberpetitioned (aka bullied) lorne michaels for more black cast members and the “black jeopardy” sketch two weeks ago is the perfect example of why we should’ve begged for “comicview” back instead. besides the fact that white viewers are probably laughing at our vernacular, they will be using it all veryvery soon. don’t believe me? ask sweet brown. the skit was funny (save for jay pharaoh overacting), but it was impossible to laugh the way i wanted to because i knew that culturally irresponsible eyes were on it. the more that two becomes one (love you spice girls) due to forced inclusion, the murkier the pristine black culture waters get. i don’t know about you, but i’m not trying to wake up like this.
are you guys seeing what you’re doing? thanks to your actions, we’re here. reading nymag’s dissertation about “basic bitch” through the eyes of some white tween from massachusettes. i mean…is he even old enough to say “bitch”? out of the zillions of examples and references used to explain the term in this article, only three were from black people. to make it worse, all of the listed definitions are wrong. so for all of my awesome non-black readers, disregard this article’s teachings. nymag has you bamboozled, hoodwinked, and led astray. it’s bad enough I can’t have bed-stuy and collard greens. now i’m forced to relinquish my right to yell “no basics” in the tune of rihanna because nymag didn’t fact check?
there is a song from broadway’s “after midnight” called “don’t advertise your man”. the basic premise is, if you’ve got a good piece, don’t tell people how great he is or they’ll steal him. swap out “man” for “black excellence” and my message to you is clear.
we don’t have control over what mainstream media lifts from our culture, so let’s hoard it all to be on the safe side, my people. it’s time we go back to the 90s and profit from our coolness. all of these brilliant film ideas you guys have, march them over to bet, tv one, revolt, tyler perry, or shonda rhimes. mainstream media may eventually get hip to it which is great, but at least we are the ones presenting the information. not only will we maintain the rights to our story, but it will be the accurate story.
now I could’ve pulled a #blackfeministtwitter move and offered a racially charged, hypersensitive rebuttal thinkpiece with the true meaning of “basic bitch”, but these lips are eternally sealed.
*editor’s note: vice posted an article called “a basic bitches’ guide to coachella” also yesterday. i think by now we all know that vice does not have their finger on the pulse of culture. for those of you that were not aware, i ask that you also disregard their article. same for this doozy from my beloved paper. mainly because basic bitches don’t even know what coachella is. none of this would happen if someone just hired me.