dear white media human resources,
with a beaming personality, a commitment to excellence, and strong journalistic skills, i am applying for the black culture specialist position with your publication. this year has been a tough one for race relations in the us of a and media hasn’t helped. i’ve been a pretty terrible american thus far, so to make up for that, i am offering you my services as a walking black american encyclopedia.
besides being a member of the black american association of humans, i had the opportunity to have a black history exclusive curriculum for 10 of my 16 years of education. with a degree from historically black college, clark atlanta university and w.e.b. dubois’ nieces as my childhood friends, i am basically black american royalty. traveling to africa for the first time at the age of 16 also afforded me a view of black americans through the eyes of the motherland. speaking of mothers, mine still celebrates kwanzaa and owns a rhinestone charlie wilson hat. peak blackness is in my blood!
all of these opportunities helped me build a firm foundation in black culture and will surely aid me in becoming an impactful black culture specialist. i have more faith in you than to believe that you do not value black culture like #blacktwitter says. however, at this time you do not have the resources to accurately discuss black culture within your pages. being white your culture is interchangeable with stereotypical american joys. black people in this country have a culture that differs by generation, region, and socioeconomic status. think of black culture like the iceberg that took out the titanic. you can only see the tip, but the 80% of black culture that is underwater is going to sink your publication every time. i’m sure your head is spinning reading all of this due to your probable assumption that in post racial america, the races now share a melting pot culture. this cannot be farther from the truth and i am here to hold your hand through this.
how, you ask? let’s think back to 2013’s media blunders. remember when you said that miley gave ‘twerking’ to the world? it was actually this young lady doing it for the 99 and the 2000s all over mtv. see, i knew that! or that time when you were surprised that a “race-themed” film almost nudged thor out of the #1 spot at the box office. with me by your side, you would have instead written an article about how black americans will pour beaucoup dollars in support of a black face. ujaama, helloooo?! this new beyonce album has caused a media meltdown on both sides of the racial divide. while black feminists are pulling out their two-strand twists with every sight of beyonce’s t&a, white media is utterly confused. my heart went out to everyone at fader when this hit the internet. juxtaposing her disillusionment with the industry with the struggle of ordinary people? no chemistry between jay and ‘yonce in “drunk in love”? likening “blow” to chromeo (i love you dave!)? “I cooked this meal for you naked“ is the weirdest line by far? i would never let you come off as out of touch and suburban, especially when your brand is urbane and hip. “beyonce” is a super black album and who better than me to review it in the name of your magazine? bless kitty pryde’s little heart, but vice can never write about anything black ever again because of this little boo-boo. i mean look at the heinous comments. putting me on your masthead would make #blacktwitter outrage a thing of the past. a win-win across the board.
in closing, combining hands on black american experience along with college coursework, i believe that i would prove to be an asset to your organization. i have provided my resume and writing samples for your review. i hope to hear you soon.