hell has frozen over. it is north pole-lite in nyc today, but the devil’s haven is feeling the chill because…
i have become a beyonce fan.
i know i’m a zillion years late, but she never really moved me. during the destiny child days, i was letoya luckett’s #1 fan (do you guys have her second solo album? it’s high level r&b) and latavia’s flawless straw set had my attention.
then they got kicked out.
i got mad at beyonce and clocked out on all things knowles (lies. “solo star” was one of the best albums of my life). i would pop in here and there for moments like “kitty cat” and “diva”, but other than that, rihanna occupied my crossover icon devotion slot.
i wake up this morning to a text from nikki saying “OMG BEYONCE IS LOSING HER MIND! SH*T IS ABOUT TO GET REAL”. i’m thinking beyonce posted more pics of chicken on her tumblr in the midst of her #22dayveganchallAnge, but alas, it was an album with 14 songs and 17 videos. i wasn’t trying to drop that 16 bones, so the 30 second video snippets had to suffice. with every clip, my beyonce resistance thinned and then eventually evaporated.
i f*ckin’ meeeeeeeean!
people that really know me know how to get me to stan out over bey. RAUNCH. i’ve gotten into heated arguments trying to convince people that “videophone” is the best song in bey’s entire catalog and made up a routine for “speechless” in my freshman dorm room. i heard “turnt” this summer and was seconds from giving my life over to her, but then ciara’s album dropped and i got busy. “beyonce” is “turnt” on viagra. aye dios mio! if you ever wanted to know what sex with a bk drug dealer was like, it’s alllll here for you. in lieu of giving us a classic album this year, jay has obviously been delivering quality d to bey and for that i am forever grateful.
so the songs are good and raunchy and fun and vocally stellar, but the videos…theeeee viiiideeeeeooooos! i secretly own the “bday video anthology”, so i already knew that visuals were one of bey’s strong areas. yeah, well “beyonce” made her first visual album look child’s play. bey is the undisputed (nymag is a bunch of idiots, ignore them) queen, errrr king of pop music right now and her videos are finally proving every last drop of that. “mine” rendered me to tears! granted, my tear ducts get crazy in the midst of flying chiffon, but geez this video was so editorial. unlike the “bday anthology”, every video was completely different (buh-bye all white room with interchangeable props) with different moods! weaves! locations! garments! gah! not to mention the countless shots of bey’s bare bottom and we even got a full frontal boob moment. my friend alana, summed up everyone’s feelings about the “beyonce” visuals perfectly with this.
lest we forget the star of the new “beyonce” era, the bob! i quietly contacted a high ranking member of the beyhive in regards to membership when this picture arrived. i followed every move the bob made. i trolled beylite’s ig page at night from underneath my comforter with the brightness low on my phone to keep tabs on the bob. i got a little upset when the bob got wavy, but then i fell in love and decided i would make a wig just like it. then the bob turned back into 32″ malaysian and i took it as a personal attack. today, i felt vindicated as the bob made a triumphant return in a good chunk of the videos. hope to see her around more often.
all in all, i’ve enjoyed this entire “beyonce” explosion today. we’ve all known about beyonce for 15 years, but today was the first time we actually met her. i spoke with a friend (beyhive member) this summer telling her that i don’t feel a connection with bey and her music. it all seemed so controlled and rigid. her team was trying to make her america’s sweetheart and it was annoyingly obvious. this album is bey’s “janet”. this is her “yeezus” era. (beysus season approachin’/f*ck whatever ya’ll been hearin’) bey is over the bullsh*t and is doing whatever she wants to do. ::insert choreo from “grown woman” here:: if this is what your 30s look like, sign me up…being a mother of a daughter looks like, sign me up…deeply in love with your husband sounds like, SIGN.ME.UP.
i won’t be at the next beyhive meeting on january 4th, but don’t be surprised if you catch me pulling a kevin hart when beyonce hits barclay center in a few days.
*editor’s note: ashley everett, you are the wind beneath my wings! also, cheers to lil internet for directing the vid for “no angel”. the father of seapunk and tumblr teens has gone mainstream and i don’t hate him for it.